THoughts for today

So here I am sitting, thinking about my day. Which in turn gets me to thinking about my life. I was told I say too many sad things on facebook when I update my status. When the truth is that is how I feel. I dont only write things that make it seem like my life is perfect and happy. I write things that are truthful. If I'm having a good day I let everyone know, but I also say when I'm having a hard time. I have literally been through hell and back the last few years of my life. I have done a lot of soul searching and come to realize it wasnt the people around me that was the issue, the issue was within me. So when I finally discovered what was going on, I took a step left and started walking forward again. I did this in Feb. That was when my life turned around. I finally started moving forward, instead of living in the past and worrying about what had happened and started looking forward to what could happen. But just when I get to the point that I love my life, it gets turned upside down again. Jason and I def have not had the best marriage. We have struggled a lot. But we have made it through. And I know we can make it through anything. This is our third deployment in 5 years. Im gonna lay out a timeline for those of you who don't know.

We got married Feb 2005. He deployed Aug 2005-Nov 2006. He was home from Nov 2006-March 2008. He then deployed again March 2008-April 2009. He was home from April 2009-June 2010. So far to date he has been deployed 32 months of our 66 months of marriage. But the thing that a lot of people dont get. Its so much harder for him to come home and get adjusted then it is for him to leave. We are used to a routine and have things down packed and then this man comes back into our lives and wants to fit in. So the whole routine gets messed up. And when we finally get around to it being ok, he leaves again.

So people say this is your third deployment you should know what to expect by now. That is not the case at all. Jason and I's marriage and relationship is in a lot better place now then it ever has been, and he is A LOT busier this deployment then the last two combined. Putting those two together means we barely get to talk. He isnt getting off work til 1 or 2 am, his night is my day and my night is his day. So when he is gettin up goin to work, Im goin to bed. We talk a lot less this deployment then any others. Which last deployments it was too much how much we could talk cuz he wasnt busy. So it was overbearing how much we talked. (if this is making sense) He calls about 2-3 times a week and yes we do talk on messenger but its just not the same. I have found myself more depressed this deployment then any others. I know I have to be strong for Madi. I know I cant lay in bed all day, but there are days where I don't want to get out of bed. Madi has been great with dealing with seeing her mom cry. She pats my back and comforts me. That is how she was with me today. She knows I get sad. She knows I miss daddy. She knows when to let me cry and she knows when to make me smile. She has been my world these past few months and I could not imagine my life without her.

So when I am sad, I will be sad. When I am happy, I will be happy. I know once Mason comes I will be even more busy and then will be working my butt off to lose weight and that will keep me busy too. I just want these next few weeks to fly and get this baby out!!